Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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