He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
