In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
