there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
