wrigley field is MILF paradise
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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