I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
