What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
