i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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