so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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