When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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