I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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