I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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