guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
whose parrot is this?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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