I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
