my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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