hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
