Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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