Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Randomize
