Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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