3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
