She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
