I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize