Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize