Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
