You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
