my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
