I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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