Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
