im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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