Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
