...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
ttyl tear gas
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
