U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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