i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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