We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
