im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
