just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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