Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize