is your mom at the bar?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
