I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
