how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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