do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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