i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
