it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize