SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
