If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize