I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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