the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
last night I used snow as a chaser
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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