No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I want to be your penis for a week.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
