fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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