someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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