he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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