I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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