That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
