Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
