just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
