the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
