Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
