Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
