He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
