We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize